So after posting that huge info post on myself on that weight loss forum as well as my picture (same one I used as the one “About Me”) people seemed to clue in am not a made up story.
I have to admit I was really upset about people thinking I was lying. I even binged and again today to the point of feeling sick. It still bugs me I mean why would anyone in the first place make up a story of the sorts to start with? I guess though what is really getting to me is all this time I have kept saying “My life is not that bad. I’m sure a lot of people have it way worse than I do and I should just be grateful for this life. I have a roof over my head, I clearly have food, I have an amazing son, even have the internet to keep me entertained.” Yet here people were saying my life is beyond too sad for a Lifetime movie, and to horrific to be true.
Taking all of that in I really thought about my life today, from as a kid, teen, young adult, and to now. I really have been through a lot. I don’t think I have always been the hero or main star of my life but maybe it could change. I need some other role then the victim to play. I just hope that desire does not lead my life to real gun fights and car chases.
With all of this movie talk it made me think of really being on TV. Not to get famous or anything. I would hate to be famous, people just watch you too close and at my size they already do. Already when I do go out for whatever reason my social anxiety has me on high alert any time someone just looks at me. Always worrying what are they thinking about me, are they going to make a joke, are they going to be disgusted by me? I worry like crazy what other people think and it’s not as simple for me to not care what others think. Being told how awful I am, being dumped by the father of my child because I look so unappealing has made a bloody hole in my heart that still has yet to heal. I’m just always waiting for the next insult to come from anyone. This is why even posting on a forum or just doing this blog is so hard for me. I don’t want to be a pity case and I don’t want to be made fun of.
Still there is so many weight loss shows out there and trust me I have been watching and learning! Yet the tips don’t compare to the support I see trainers giving the people. I noticed that fact and how I wanted to eat then. I think one of my main triggers to feeling the need to eat is feeling lonely and unsupported.
Anyways I found myself signing up to a site that lists casting calls for reality TV. If I can go into a store and ignore mostly everyone maybe I could do that with a camera person too. I mean the thing that scares me is people watching. They would not be doing that till it aired and by then I would be smaller! Not putting too much faith in any show would want me as I can hardly even walk but hey no harm in trying I guess.
The point to all this is even though am scared I won’t stop trying. If I fail I will get back up and try again. So! Bring on the paintball guns and bumper cars! I’m ready for my close up! It’s my turn in my life to have my star hero moment!