So the other night I had to go into the ER. No worries just an anxiety attack and stress. Also I had to do the whole visit by myself as my husband just dropped me off and left. He said he would pick me up after he came back to work and finished that day’s shift at 4pm. He had dropped me off at 10pm. You do the math on how long he wanted me to sit around and wait.
He is always like that now. If by the rare chance I get to go shopping he drops me off and goes off doing whatever. Like going to his karate class or out to eat with his girlfriend and friends, and I have to wait till he is done and feels like coming back for me. This can be anywhere from an hour to four hours. So I sit there watching people come into the store and then those same people leaving the store.
Having to sit there waiting for hours is so hard. All those people looking at you, not only because of your size, but because you have been there so long. It’s very nerve racking to say the least. I try to stay in the store for as long as I can. It’s always a hassle however trying to get a mobile cart (can’t walk that long remember) plus you got to make sure it’s charged enough. If it’s not fully charged and it starts to warn you it’s going to die it starts beeping and oh joy another thing to draw people’s attention to me. The worst is when it dies in the middle of the store and you have to wait for a store worker to pass by and help get another cart to you.
Anyways so after am discharged from the hospital they have me talk to the social worker. Just my luck she is a tiny heavily pregnant woman who looked worn out and was having to argue with other people before me. I had to explain she could not call my husband as he would be sleeping at this time and would be upset with me then had to explain how he didn’t leave me money for a cab because am not allowed to have any control over the finances. She gave me a cab voucher and seemed upset with me.
I’m sensitive to looks or tones of one’s voice. Plus I was still upset about before being placed in one of the ER rooms. I was waiting in the waiting room and had just called my psychiatrist. She is such a nice woman. I feel bad I woke her up but I was just so scared being there by myself and not knowing at the time what was wrong with me. Well while she was calming me down and trying to answer my questions they wheeled my back and set me in the hall as they were not done cleaning my room. They finished and forgot about me. So I was left sitting there and could not help but overhear the nurses chat. One of them said, “You ever think about all with all the people that come in here they would clue in most of them didn’t need to be here? I mean one of them actually came in because of a headache. How hard is it to take come aspirin?” I could not help it I started crying and wishing I had never left my room. They still didn’t notice me and all the people that past me seemed to not give me a second glance. Guess the key to not getting people to notice you in a hospital is to cry.
That cab ride home though had to be the worst of the night. The Amazing Race worst cab rides had nothing on this one! I swear at one point I saw we were headed to Chicago. I guess he saw my face cause he asked, “You live this way?” “NO! I live in St Louis!” Then he announces all the time he was driving he had been going the wrong way. Yet he was using GPS with my address I gave him! Still after that he drives around no clue where he is going but its freaking me out to no end all these back roads and streets that look like they belong in some horror flick. The ride finally ended after an hour and a half! It only takes 10-15mins from and back from the hospital. The cost was like $89 bucks! I think he did it to rack up the cab fare. Well at least I was not paying for it.
After I got home even though I had the keys I went in the back and waited till they woke up since they sleep in the living room and if me coming in would have not woken up the dog barking at anyone coming in would have. So I saved myself from that only to get catch hell for wanting to stay downstairs when I did get in. No matter where downstairs I offered to move to my husband’s girlfriend announced I would be in the way so I could either sit on the front porch or go to my room. I really tried to stand up for myself but in the end it ended the same as it always does, me crying in my bedroom.
When I finally get to move out and I lose enough weight and am not so high strung with my anxiety I think I would like to learn how to drive since I never have. In fact I’ll even put that on my goals list. It would be helpful however if I could remember where things are, even to my own home. Maybe cab rides would so long if I could.