Many times I have cried and wrote but only of late where these tears due to joy and happiness as they are now. I guess it’s only fair. With it being stated my life story has made others cry and those people have gathered and made me cry but in the most, best possible way!
Support in such ways I could not dream of. Like the sweet words of a song that Sheila (one of the amazing people from the weight loss forum) posted. And of course when Phyllis posted the name and who it’s by I just had to look up Simon & Garfunkel’s “Bridge Over Troubled Waters”. Such a lovely song I am even listening to it again while I write this blog now.
After my first post on the weight loss forum and the replies I had gotten as I said I felt attacked. I felt like giving up and not posting anymore there. That is what I have done the past 8 or so years. Give up. Someone says am lying or challenges me, a little switch in my head goes off and I cower backing away. You might chop that up due to the emotional abuse I have been under or me just not being a very strong person, either way that is what has been my norm, till that post. After getting all upset about it something in me said just one more time. I’ll give one more post then a little after that something in me made me post my first picture of myself online. (Which was a HUGE challenge not just because it was scary for people to see my ugliness but trying to take a picture of myself is hard with a cell phone then figure out how to email it myself so I could put it online. There has to be an easier way to do that and I just know sometime after this blog has been posted someone is gunna chuckle at me and say Nadine it’s so much easier then the way you did it and list off all these many ways. Giggle all you guys want. I don’t get out much or have the savvy handle on many gismos but one day I will gosh darn it!) Anyways with those two added pushes I gave back to the forum my cry to the roof tops of “This is my life!” was heard. Now look at all the friends I have because I didn’t give up! I still don’t know why I didn’t give up but am glad I didn’t.
Oh and I made another new friend yesterday too! My husband at 9:30 AM told me he could not take me to …you know what let me show you what he emailed me… yes emailed. He does not like to talk to me in person. (Keep in mind I told him on Monday I had a meeting Saturday and kept asking do you need me to change it.)
“I will let you know the date to reschedule for later, but I have to go in around noon.”
When I talked to him before he said if I ask you to change it you will have to make it two weeks later. It seems him and his girlfriend is leaving for this coming weekend. Then who knows what would come up because something always does come up. Am not allowed to be taken out on week days anymore because it does not suit him so all I have are the weekends, and not really those. Never the less after pushing and agreeing to wait hours before my meeting, and hours after I got the needed ride. I was dropped off at about 11:30 AM, my appointment was at 2PM but after so long of sitting there I called rather than buzzed at the door and asked if I could bump up my meeting to 1AM as it was only a few minutes till then and when she said yes I admitted I was outside. That was when Donna went at once to open the door for me. I stayed there for two hours talking to her and it was the best time I have had since seeing my son’s winter play. I felt so normal. Like I was really just sitting around with a girlfriend talking, crying and laughing. Everything was poured out. All of the crap I have been through and still am dealing with to my hopes and secret dreams. I really didn’t think I was going to go blabbering about all of that but Donna was so easy to talk to and such a kind sweet person. I kept making her laugh and she would say am her favorite person right now as well as other kind things. I don’t think that is part of her job and if it is well she does not get paid enough. However am going to believe I really have made a friend with her. Sadly then at 3pm the office closed and it was all over. Sitting back outside it was like my bubble had burst and I was back in the old world. For over 3 hours I sat there then waiting for my husband to come pick me up which he did a little after 6PM. I was so worn out I did little to nothing after I got home and just went to bed.
I want more of what I had yesterday with Donna. I want more of what I get to see of people on the forums. Maybe am being greedy but you get a taste for something, and then you just keep craving it. That is what this is like for me. None of these people seem like they would hurt or backstab me. I really wanted people I could count on and I have that now. And another thing I am noticing is I want to be like them. I want to be someone that people can count on too. I want to be a good friend, not just have good friends.
A secret dream I have is meeting friends out for lunch, being all skinny mini saying sorry I ran late had to drop my son off with his play date. That is a normal life to me. Burning dinner because you’re gabbing on the phone and lose track of time. Going out to a movie (which I have not done in 8 years) or going mini golfing or just at the park watching your kids play together with your best friend’s kids. Those little moments in your life you don’t pay much mind to think about them. Do me a favor today whatever friend you’re with or call one just let them known how much they mean to you and how you would not be the same without them. Trust me without friends you could not be as happy as you are now.
Thank you to all who are my friend. No matter how far away you are you still reach my heart!