Yeah ok the title I know makes you at once think something bad happened or oh no she went off the deep end. Well you’re more or less …well you are right. I failed! It’s going to happen… am not a saint am not some remodel pointing arrows at myself telling the world to act like me. I am human with issues and emotions that have yet to reach the needed will power within myself to stop punishing myself. I am a glutton and not just for food but for punishment its self it seems.
No am not whining and playing the victim card am saying I messed up and … no it’s not ok but it’s not, not ok either. It just is, and I am ok with that … now. It took me a few hours of freaking out and even denial but am more or less chilled out about it. Life changes take time to get use to and except. How one eats is not different.
Now that I have more or else assured you and sorta myself I’ll explain what drove me into the refrigerator’s chilly embrace. You see my husband is going away this weekend with his girlfriend. I am not really sure why or where he is going but he is going. Whatever! The thing that has my feathers so ruffled is that his girlfriend’s friend is going to be staying here with her daughter watching my son. HELLO! Did I turn invisible when I was not paying attention?! I yelled, I bitched, I went step by step how I could watch my son by myself and I even cried and pleaded, however my husband kept saying he would just feel more comfortable with someone else here. Nothing I say makes a difference. This is the same man that claims when I move out our son can stay with me for weekends, holidays and spring/summer breaks. Now call my crazy (like he often does) but one of these things is not matching up with the other.
Oh and side note! The chick that is suppose to be staying is the one from a few months back who spent the night here when my husband’s girlfriend was out of town. Let me further point out they stayed together in the same room. Even now they sneak into other rooms, whisper and talk all the time. My husband only becomes friends with a female for two reasons. One to sleep with her and two for money and he often uses number one to do that.
Pissed, sad, furious is a damn understatement to how I have felt these past two days since I have found out about the weekend. So yes this morning I sat in front of the refrigerator like I did yesterday morning and pigged out eating things I should not and more then what one should, then brought food back to my bedroom and went on doing so, just binging like crazy. Depending on how the talk with my husband goes tonight I don’t even know if I’ll have enough self control to not do it tomorrow.
I have been racking my mind on how to get my husband to change his mind; I mean what if this leads to him having two girlfriends living here again. Plus the fact this is his first step to not letting me have my son at all once I do get away from this hell hole! Yet the only things I can think of are to make threats to him. I think that will only piss him of though. Oh and the only self control tip for myself so far for to not to binge come tomorrow morning is to go all Kathy Bates “Misery” on myself. NOT HELPFUL!
Am screaming to the top of my lungs at the world and it won’t turn around and look at me and even if it does I won’t know what to say. The only comfort I can find is in my own bloating and over stuffed misery. The only friendship that has reached out to help shield me from my feelings when am alone is the one trying to put a knife in my back and kill me at an early age. I don’t want this life. I have to do something …