Mother’s Day weekend was not soo bad in some ways I guess. Even though I was not allowed to watch my own child the lady who was around was (when she was around) at lest nice and not mean to me yet I still stayed out of her way. Best to not tempt fate as they say.
Got a lot of cleaning done even did my own laundry something I have not done in over 8 years! Well kinda… the dryer seems to be extra ghetto and while I got the stick to wedge back to the lid and wall I could not get the darn that to go. So waiting for my husband to do it for me. Not sure when he will get around to it. If I had hangers I would just air dry my darn stuff. It’s so frustrating coming so close to fully doing something all by yourself only to be stopped at the very end of it and no matter how hard you try you can’t finish it on your own.
With no one in the house I did take a little down time for me and for the first time ever was comfortable enough to just zone out downstairs on the floor and finish my book, “Ruby’s Dairy” Gosh she is so epic. It was cause of her I started to think maybe I could make changes in my life. Just one lonely night in my room I had run out of things to watch and started surfing around Netflix and that was when I saw her series. It just right out at me due to her name, “Ruby” that was my grandmother’s name. At times when I was growing up she was more a mother to my then her daughter. My grandmother raised me from when I was first born with my mom then off and on all the way to when I was a teen. She was just such a huge part of my life and anyone who met her just loved her. Oh and yes she was a southern lady. She was born in New Mexico and moved all over the states due to her father was a ranch hand. The stories she had to tell about her life I would listen for hours on end and still hold dear to my heart. I miss her so much! Anyways with name I gave the show a try and loved it from the first moment. Still have not got to see the last season of her going to Australia though and I want to so bad! Shame they canned such a great show too. Wish they would bring it back.
When my husband and his girlfriend came back they brought KFC back for dinner which was the only choice if I didn’t want another fight on my hands. (Yes I have told my husband I want to eat healthy and he does get me some things but when he is trying to be nice to me he gets me stuff like KFC.) Me and KFC have a history. See the normal dinner for a family bucket meal… oh yeah I could eat one of those all by myself and the sides, a milkshake and a piece of pie or two for desert. I would feel like utter crap afterwards from being so over stuffed but while it was going down was one of the best feelings in the world. So once it was all over with all I could think about was I can’t wait for next week take out when I can get the same thing and do it all over again and normally I would! God help me but love that KFC fried chicken skin! Yup I know it’s the worst thing to have.
Another bad thing this weekend was earlier on in the weekend I discovered (by sneaking onto my husband’s FB account and looking at back logs of messages to his girlfriend) that they have been taking my son to a therapist or so it seems, someone to talk to and that she is sure am crazy! That I can’t be reasoned with because am crazy. As well that my husband plans to once he gets the house bills caught up get a divorce and pay a lawyer. Now am sure people think it would be good to get a divorce from him however if that happens where do I go? I have no family nor friends to take me in and shelters can accommodate a person of my size and anxiety. Not to mention I would be fully with no health insurance or money. I can’t work (though would like to find a part time job to see if I could handle it) and I have no way of taking care of myself outside from here. I really don’t know what am going to do. I’m very scared about this.
I can still hear them downstairs don’t know if they are going to work today. If they don’t guess I’ll just have to watch what I say when am on the phone when I make calls to try and help myself. Maybe the AWARE social worker will know what to do like have a plan for me when my husband tries to do that too me out of the blue. Also really want to get involved with a church, surly other church members watch out for their own, and maybe I could make a family with them. After all you go to church not just to worship but to find love by giving and receiving it. Family is not always by blood or marriage, and sometimes if you’re the lucky one people around you that you care about and they care about you just turn into your family. I really want that. Maybe if I pray hard enough God will show me which of his houses will be right for me and help make my dreams come true.