Being Hard On Myself, So You Don’t Have To

“I need to do better! What am doing now is not good enough! I say am going to eat better but then gorge myself on everything I can get my hands on.  Blaming my loneliness on why am eating so much is just crap and taking the cheep way out. I’m a fat disgusting pig and I need to change, no if ands or buts, (other then the huge one I keep sitting on rather then working out). Get up and move, who cares if you hurt yourself, maybe if your leg breaks it will stop you from going to the fridge!”

Not sure if me beating myself up is what is needed but I thought I would let that little rant out that is or like what is always getting replayed in my head to myself. This was mild however, I do and can have much darker thoughts on what is needed for weight loss or what is needed of me, for the better of the world. I really am my own worst bully. No matter how much I try to love myself, I just cant get around how I look, nor how stupid I am. I wonder if that makes me superficial?

I know what I need to do, just need to apply it. I will only have Cheerios with fat free milk for breakfast and I will measure both out! I will only have Progresso soup for lunch! I will only have Fat Free yogurt for snack, and I will only have a small helping of whatever is made for dinner. So what if there is leftovers, so what if no one else is eating them, so what if they taste good. Some price must be made to working off this fat!

I have two appointments this week Barns Hospital. My number one goal this week is when I go there and get weighed to have not gained any weight! And if at all possible, to have lost at lest 1 pound, just one damn pound! It would make me so happy to know I did not back-wheel so much that I gained weight back.

The reasons I’m going too the doctors are, they are checking me PCOS, Polycstic Ovary Syndrome). I have a lot of symptoms pointing to having it. My biggest one (other then my weight) is facial hair. Oh my gosh it just gets to me so much! In today’s world body hair is just ew! Especially for females. The facts that my arms are like fuzzy little creatures, and I can’t reach to properly shave my legs, and under my pits look like am smuggling small kittens, now I have to deal little dark hairs on my shoulder tops and chest area AND my face if not shaven looks like my vagina went on strike and started sending up all the pubic hair up topside! The hair growth is for sure having to do with hormones which can be fixed with some pills, so hopefully I’ll get a handle on that. The other thing am going to the hospital for is rehabilitation for my right knee as I now have arthritis in it, most likely brought on because … am too god damn fat! *sighs*  I will also be getting fitted for a scooter. I know, I know what your thinking. “What are you doing getting a scooter, your fat ass needs to walk it off!” Well I can’t get very far and if I push myself I end up not being able to move for a few days if not longer. With a scooter I will be able to get to many other places, and maybe me getting out of this basement more is a good thing. I’m just hoping for some more independence right now with getting a scooter. If I can get that maybe new doors would open to me.

So many people are over weight and a lot of people are my size, morbidly obese. Why is it that none of my insurance helps with getting fit to stop worse problems from coming? Why do all weight loss places charge an arm and a leg? Why is it so hard to get help?! There needs to be Morbidly Obese clinics that don’t just focus on surgery weight loss. I got turned down for that because am a binge eater. What am I suppose do now? Just eat myself to death? They really don’t handle things well with rejecting someone seeking help. Am just so frustrated looking for places! While now being divorced I still don’t have any income yet.

Sorry for the ranting, maybe next time when I write here I’ll have good news to share. I will try to post here at lest once a month from now on. I did get my YouTube up and going and am posting there once a week if you want to follow along there for more frequent updates on me.

Thanks to all who are still supporting in me, hopefully I wont let you down again.


About Nadine

Lonely morbidly obese woman looking to change her life for the better and make true good friends.
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