Sharing is Hard When Being Attacked

Trying to find some kind of support group and future plan to use for when I do get out of this place I’m in I turned to weight loss plans. I looked at many websites and settled on trying this one since it has a forum page filled with support. At least I thought it was filled with support. I posted a long blurb about myself and came back later to find people accusing me of lying. I could not help but cry. I don’t understand why someone would think me to make up a story like mine. All I wanted to do was make friends and find people I could talk to who would understand how hard it is. I get people saying am lying, snapping at me for talking about my autistic son and saying I have to do this and that, making me feel like a bad mother and stupid for not getting a divorce.

It’s not as easy as though people seem to think those answers should be. If I push for a divorce I have nowhere to go. Living on the street is not possible for me nor is going to a shelter. Many don’t want the hassle of dealing with someone my size while on the other hand mentally I could not handle something like that. As will my husband is very vindictive if I tried for money in court with how I am now my husband might when full custody of our son. I rather wait it out, work on getting better before making a gamble like that.

Anyways I mustered up the courage to make a reply post and share even more. Since it had even more details then I shared here in my first blog post am going to put it here below to read too.

After some tears and thoughts of not posting anymore on these forums am digging out the courage to further explain. Please note just to write about my life is not easy for me. Back in 2011 adult abusive services was called in from my son’s child services worker. (I never met the child SS worker at that time I was too scared to come out of my room at all besides to go to the bathroom) So when the adult SS worker came I had no choice but to see her and she gave my husband a choice of either taking me to see a psychiatrist or get charged with neglect. He ended up taking me. I remember well how scary it was. I only had a can to help me and it was a long walk for me. (still is though now I have a walker to use.) I was crying the whole time I was out there. I didn’t know what was going to happen. The psychiatrist I got however was and still is very nice she did however put me in the hospital on the psych ward due to how bad my anxiety and depression was.
I ended up staying there for about 3 months. So things did improve however. Like I built up the courage to be able to eat with other people around. Am still uncomfortable doing so but when I first went in I refused to eat out in the main rooms where everyone is required to eat. They ended up at first having to make a special exception for me to be allowed to eat in my room. In fact they could not get me to leave the room. I forget what its called but they gave me shots in my belly and side, they said it was for to keep blood clots from forming because of how little I was moving around. It was not too bad at first but after a week or so of that it looked like someone had taken a baseball bat to me. It was embarrassing them lifting up my shirt and tugging my pants down some to do that. Just to be touched by anyone made me want to cry. After while a lady from the arts room worked me out of my room to the art room and I got to sit in back away from the others and do some crafts on my own. She then worked me to go to some groups and stayed with me through them. With some more time I got comfortable enough to come out and watch some TV on my own. Then during a med switch to find a good dose for me the pills ended up making me very loopy and out of it. The staff took that chance then to move me from the small art table to the main one with the other people. After that I had a visit from my husband and still being out of it I took a snack and ate it but ended up falling asleep after it. During dinner in my while eating I kept falling asleep with food in my mouth and staff kept coming in worried I would choke. With a person popping in like that for the next few days I got pumped up to eating once a day in one of the main rooms when there was not many people in it and from there it just kept increasing till I was having all my meals out there. It was a huge victory for me.

During that stay a lot tests were done on me like the x-ray of my back showing where they bones where pushed in on each other. I got good with rolling myself around in a wheelchair which was a good workout. I found joy in talking to the staff and even was the favorite of some of them which made me feel very special. However went it all came to an end with me unable to go anywhere else but back home it was a huge let down. Everyone tried finding a place for me but shelters would not work due to still how bad my anxiety is and a nursing home would not because am able to just barely do enough for myself they would not take me.

At this time my husband had two of his girlfriends/lovers living there at the apt with us and our son. The first woman had been there since my son was one year’s old. I could not lift him out of his crib I had to have my husband take him out before he left for work. My husband had moved her in, in secret in the basement. I could not get down those stairs and was not the wiser till a few days one early morning when I saw a woman getting into his car with him. I called him with the land line (that he once had) and asked him about the woman. He said I was seeing things, tried to really make me think I was going crazy. So that night I waited and saw her come home with him and asked him about it again. Even though I had seen it with my own eyes he kept insisting I was seeing things, so I said fine am going down to the basement and finally he fessed up. Saying he had gotten me a nanny for our son. That one of his friends needed a place to stay and that I needed help. I didn’t want her there and told him as it just didn’t feel right with how much he had lied. I kept saying no till he snapped and yelled at me putting his foot down saying she was staying and if I didn’t like it I could leave but our son was staying there. Little by little he drifted even more from me, stop sleeping in our bed, talking to me till one day I called him out and said he was sleeping with her. I’ll never forget how crushed I was when I heard him yell at me, “How could I love you anymore! Look at how you have let yourself go!” I sorta just gave up there I think. I didn’t go to anymore of his family events didn’t get included in stuff for our son, she took over. I got left out of the loop of everything. He would just bring me food and water, and I would ask a lot for those things. It was the only time he ever paid me any attention.

Back to after I got out of the hospital I went back to hiding in my room. Doctor appointments where made for me, I got to do a sleep study which to be honest I very much enjoyed. It was like getting to stay in a hotel with no worry of anyone yelling at me.

(One thing about that first long time woman I talked about would do to me was would bust into my room and yell at me if she could hear my TV …didn’t matter if she was loud or not and I could hear her I was not allowed to make noise. She would call me names and tell me how disgusting I was. Sometimes during the night she would do this and she would be topless and only in panties. It was very intimidating and sometimes my son would be sleeping in my room and all I could do is muster up the courage to soothe him back to sleep. The most backbone at that time I could get was to cry and beg her to go away and promise and sniffle that I would not make noise and that I was sorry.)

Anyways one of the appointments I got to go to was a eye doctor. The hospital here is HUGE. I was trying my best to make my way through it but really needed a wheelchair so my husband gets me this normal size one. If your a big girl like me don’t get in a normal size wheelchair. I didn’t want to get in it but he made me try. I was tilted to the side only able to get one half of myself in the darn thing. So he starts rolling me and something is not right. It gets to really hurting like if am catching on fire. I ask him to stop over and over begging with tears in my eyes due to how much its hurting but he just snaps at me to “Shut the F*** up and stay in the chair.” I have little to no choice even when we got there I had to get help getting out of the wheelchair. Due to that incident I did end up with a friction burn that got really bad as it was on my the backside of my hip/rear. A nurse had to come out for two months to change the dressing and help me because my husband would not and it kept getting worse.

Little by little he stop bringing me food, his other girlfriend #2 making him. Yet on my son’s 8th b-day she was very kind to me and her, my husband and son took me to a park to celebrate my son’s birthday. It was really nice! It was a mix of his birthday and Easter. Me and her ended up talking a lot and became friends. It was really great! It had been ages since I had been that happy. She worked me out of my room more and more. They took me out more and I started feeling like a real person. I was able to walk more, had more energy it really was nice. #2 girlfriend and #1 girlfriend however were fighting a lot and with the more I came downstairs the more #1 started staying in her room. It was odd yet it felt like a victory in many ways and I didn’t question it.

One day I had chosen to stay home rather then going out due to my feet hurting. My husband took girlfriend #1 in my place. Later #2 came back in a fit of tears upset that #1 had come along due to my husband promising he was not dating #1 anymore and was only with #2. I didn’t think that was true but I tried to not voice it too much as people were being nice to me for once. Anyways #2 starts telling me how when I had come back from the hospital #1 said if I tried ever leaving with my son she was going to kill me and #2 said that #1 was going so far into detail on how she was going to stab me she was acting it out! It scared me to my very core! #2 was then comforting me and even went out and bought me take-out for dinner and told me I should get a restraining order against her. So the next day I met with the nice AWARE SS worker I met during my stay in the hospital and got info on how to go about getting a restraining order against someone.

When I told my husband I was serious about going through with it on the way home he went crazed! Yelled at me I was his worst mistake ever and that he should just crash us into a pole right then and now. He even swerved the car. I really thought in that moment that was it. Yet he pulled back and drove home. I was too shaken to move to even get out. He picked up girlfriend #2 …things are a bit blurry on what was said due to how shaken I was but once we got to my husband’s karate class he teaches him and her took a walk. Then she talked to me saying he didn’t want to hurt me he wanted to kill himself and that I should put it behind me and not worry about it basically.

Well #1 moved out and it was a joyful day. I didn’t get taken out much after that but something even better … I got to care for my son on my own. Waiting for him outside to come off the bus. Give him a after school snack. Play with him, make dinner (with a chair in the kitchen I was even able to wash dishes) make sure he got a bath and brushed his teeth then go to bed. Wake up get him dressed and ready for school then wait with him for the school bus. It was wonderful I felt like such a good mother FINALLY!

Yet #2 and my husband didn’t seem happy. Summer came and then my son was with me all day but I was ready! I had talked with his teachers by email and phone and had gotten all kinds of work sheets, reading and crafts to do so he would not be on his computer or TV all day. It was almost like home school. After lunch and I did the dishes we even went outside to play. On Friday’s he would come with me to my one on one therapy sessions and it was just making me feel really good about myself. However like I said my husband and girlfriend #2 were not happy.

They started complaining I was putting too much work on my son. He enjoyed it when they were not around. He would ask me when are we going to do math when are we going to do reading can we do this before that but no they only saw him trying to get out of his work like any kid would do with stuff going on around them that they want to be a part of or think that they can get away with and so on. There is no chair or sofa in the living room for me to sit on and keep my feet up. After sitting so long on the floor I lay on my front side and would do that watching TV or playing on my laptop. With everything for the day done, cooking and cleaning the kitchen and Eric they would come home to see me laying in the living room floor like so and #2 would complain to my husband. If there was dishes in the sink she would complain yet already I was doing the dishes 2 or 3 times a day. My hands were starting to crack and bleed so I started slacking off and she complained more. No one else could seem to know how to wash a dish but me. No matter what I did it was never good enough. My husband was not taking me to my doctor appointments anymore or paying for them.

I ended up taking pills in my therapist’s office then got taken to the emergency room. I didn’t take that many pills to have my stomach pumped or anything but you see my therapist was already on the phone with my husband wanting me to go in the hospital when I did the act. I was so scared he was going to be mad at me for wasting his time taking me there when they would not keep me I took the pills so they would have to. It does not really make sense now I just didn’t want him to be mad at me.

This time I only stayed in the hospital for a week and when I got home …all my rights of getting to watch my son was taken away from me. So back to my room 24/7 I stayed. Less and less my husband would allow me till am now at the point I am now. The only person I get to see and that’s once a month is my psychiatrist because she does not hound my husband for payments like my therapist did. #2 made my husband not let me shop for myself anymore (which I guess in some ways might be good) am only allowed to eat food in my bin that they put in for me. Only allowed downstairs at certain hours but ever since I got made to go to my room I don’t at all feel welcomed so I stay up here most the time but do hang out with my son after school for a bit downstairs before #2 gets home from work and its just my Husband and son there. I get a little money from online surveys or my mom sending me $5 – $30 bucks now and then and I always spend it on food and binge as much as I can.

My relationship with my mother has gotten a lot better this last year. We talk on the phone almost every weekend. It had been many of many years since we have seen each other. I think I would like to see her but she lives many states away from me and she is in a home for elderly learning disability folks. My grandmother use to say when she was alive that my mother was borderline retarded. My mom in her 20’s and still does now gets SSI so maybe its true. Never really asked my mother about that and not sure how to in a way that would not hurt her feelings. If she does however maybe it has something to do with how I am and how hard of a time I deal with people. When I was a kid in middle school/high school (which I dropped out of) I did ditch a lot not feeling comfortable around other kids. Would stay home in my closet to hide or go to parks but my favorite was hiding out in the library and just reading all day.

Anyways am not a made up story I just have not had the normal life and have a hard time standing up for myself.

There is some good news however to update on. I talked to my husband and a JC person on the phone and this Saturday my husband is taking me to a JC center to get more information. I know he wont pay for me to get on the program but I can still get things ready for when I can do so for myself. Setting plans and goals for myself for once I move out helps me a lot keep my sanity of late.

I love the feed back, welcome friendship. All I ask is go easy on me as my emotions bruise easy.

So if am still attacked after this I might really quite the forum. I have enough negative in my life I don’t need more stress. I need things to make it worse.

Seriously though something inside of me must really be broken if people who are on a forum to give support feels the need to attack me. Maybe am just not worth being given support and its why I have none to start with. 

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My Life So Far

I have been large almost all of my life, even as a young child starting back since before 1st grade. Eating is a comfort for me a way to deal with harsh things in my life. The first being my step-grandfather sexually abusing me starting at 4 years old. Of course at this age I didn’t understand it and was told to keep it a secret else my grandmother and mother would get jealous and be upset with me. So I did keep it a secret till I saw them watching a movie about a girl getting sexually abused by her father and how it was wrong.  I told but seeing them getting so upset I got scared. I heard my grandmother talking about her going to make sure he went to jail. I didn’t want them to hate him, didn’t want him to go away plus I was worried they would do the same to me. So I lied and said I had made it up and did not tell the truth.

This was only the start of things as there was other issues, my mother more interested in the men in her life then me. She ended up marrying a awful man who verbally abused me and even once hit me in the stomach. During a time I was living with my grandmother my mother came over crying saying her husband was going to leave her. I was happy but sad she was  hurting so badly she was crying out she wanted to die. I tried to comfort her, hug her and tell her everything would be ok but she kept pushing me off saying she only wanted her husband or death.

Much more happened, forced to stay outside to play all the time, not allowed to be around my mother, suicide plans, dating a 34 year old who had a girlfriend and me on the side when I was 14, getting sick and ending up in the hospital, group homes, tubal pregnancy, running away, kicked out, raped, boyfriend made me sell myself into prostitution.

Then I turned 18. I was adult and moved in with a boyfriend who forced himself on me saying he had the right to sex because he paid more of the bills then I did. We fought a lot and I had a miscarriage and then we fought even more. Met a guy online then and I made a run for it …out of the frying pan and into the fire.

Things were amazing with this new guy for a time but then not so much. He cheated on me with someone I thought was a friend, and broke up with me after I found out I was pregnant but then everything seemed to fix its self and we were or so I thought more happy then ever. I was a high risk pregnancy and had many restrictions and got sick a lot. Most the time I was in bed and pounds started adding on however me and my guy got married but it was not as great as I thought it would be. Still I pushed on wanting that fairy tale family but my new husband so much seemed bored or annoyed with me. To busy on the computer he was to even go on a walk with me so after awhile I stopped trying. I watched TV and ate and ate.

After my son was born rather then losing weight I packed it on even more. My little one was born with psychical and mental issues making things only more stressful and hard. One day my husband told me to just stay home for the weekly shopping trip because it was just too much a hassle for him to take me and our son … so I did as I was told and cried once I was all alone. Things got worse with me and my husband. He moved in another girl, moved out of the bedroom to sleep with her, she took care of our son while he was away at work because I could not. Years went on and I would get yelled at by her and him. Half nude his girlfriend would storm into my room yelling at me to turn down my TV or such. My husband moved in and out other girls sometimes having two at a time to share his bed.

He now has one girl for the time being I know of because am not allowed to know many things. I have to beg to get my clothing washed, am only allowed downstairs to get my food at certain times of the day, but going up and down the stairs is hard on me anyways. I don’t have any control over the money meaning I cant buy anything unless my mom sends me a few bucks like she does once a year but she is now in a place for elder people. His girlfriend does not allow me to watch over my son or make choices for him as he is now older and am to care for him. My psychiatrist says am treated like a unwanted animal, that my husband is just mean and no matter what I do he wont change. That he was evil for once trying to talk me into killing myself and is mentally abusive still now to me as well as his girlfriend is so to me too.

I’m waiting to get on disability but that could take up to 3 years. No shelters are willing to take me due to my morbidly obese size of around 500 pounds and no live in weight care places are wanting to take me because my husband’s insurance does not cover it. Yet my husband is not even willing to pay my medical bills anymore so I can keep seeing my doctors. I fear that one day am just going to die on this thin mat on the floor I’m to sleep on. I have no friends as I keep myself in my room and have for going on 9 years and the only family I have left is my mother who lives stats away and cant not help anyways. I have no one, only food and it is killing me in more ways then one.

With all the problems I have I need someone to help me. I need to keep seeing my doctors else there will be no hope. I need the stack of medical bills paid off, need items to make it safe for me to get around and do things like a bath bench for the tub, a scooter so I can get outside more and not hiding in my room 24/7. I need programs to help me lose weight  so I don’t die and I can be with my son. I need to move out and for that need things for my own first place.

A selfish thing I want is a video cam and mic for my laptop so I can record my weight loss journey and post it on a blog in hopes to make friends like me and get a support group going since I don’t have any support.

I want what I have always wanted, family and friends that do not hurt and abuse you.

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