Being Hard On Myself, So You Don’t Have To

“I need to do better! What am doing now is not good enough! I say am going to eat better but then gorge myself on everything I can get my hands on.  Blaming my loneliness on why am eating so much is just crap and taking the cheep way out. I’m a fat disgusting pig and I need to change, no if ands or buts, (other then the huge one I keep sitting on rather then working out). Get up and move, who cares if you hurt yourself, maybe if your leg breaks it will stop you from going to the fridge!”

Not sure if me beating myself up is what is needed but I thought I would let that little rant out that is or like what is always getting replayed in my head to myself. This was mild however, I do and can have much darker thoughts on what is needed for weight loss or what is needed of me, for the better of the world. I really am my own worst bully. No matter how much I try to love myself, I just cant get around how I look, nor how stupid I am. I wonder if that makes me superficial?

I know what I need to do, just need to apply it. I will only have Cheerios with fat free milk for breakfast and I will measure both out! I will only have Progresso soup for lunch! I will only have Fat Free yogurt for snack, and I will only have a small helping of whatever is made for dinner. So what if there is leftovers, so what if no one else is eating them, so what if they taste good. Some price must be made to working off this fat!

I have two appointments this week Barns Hospital. My number one goal this week is when I go there and get weighed to have not gained any weight! And if at all possible, to have lost at lest 1 pound, just one damn pound! It would make me so happy to know I did not back-wheel so much that I gained weight back.

The reasons I’m going too the doctors are, they are checking me PCOS, Polycstic Ovary Syndrome). I have a lot of symptoms pointing to having it. My biggest one (other then my weight) is facial hair. Oh my gosh it just gets to me so much! In today’s world body hair is just ew! Especially for females. The facts that my arms are like fuzzy little creatures, and I can’t reach to properly shave my legs, and under my pits look like am smuggling small kittens, now I have to deal little dark hairs on my shoulder tops and chest area AND my face if not shaven looks like my vagina went on strike and started sending up all the pubic hair up topside! The hair growth is for sure having to do with hormones which can be fixed with some pills, so hopefully I’ll get a handle on that. The other thing am going to the hospital for is rehabilitation for my right knee as I now have arthritis in it, most likely brought on because … am too god damn fat! *sighs*  I will also be getting fitted for a scooter. I know, I know what your thinking. “What are you doing getting a scooter, your fat ass needs to walk it off!” Well I can’t get very far and if I push myself I end up not being able to move for a few days if not longer. With a scooter I will be able to get to many other places, and maybe me getting out of this basement more is a good thing. I’m just hoping for some more independence right now with getting a scooter. If I can get that maybe new doors would open to me.

So many people are over weight and a lot of people are my size, morbidly obese. Why is it that none of my insurance helps with getting fit to stop worse problems from coming? Why do all weight loss places charge an arm and a leg? Why is it so hard to get help?! There needs to be Morbidly Obese clinics that don’t just focus on surgery weight loss. I got turned down for that because am a binge eater. What am I suppose do now? Just eat myself to death? They really don’t handle things well with rejecting someone seeking help. Am just so frustrated looking for places! While now being divorced I still don’t have any income yet.

Sorry for the ranting, maybe next time when I write here I’ll have good news to share. I will try to post here at lest once a month from now on. I did get my YouTube up and going and am posting there once a week if you want to follow along there for more frequent updates on me.

Thanks to all who are still supporting in me, hopefully I wont let you down again.

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Letting Go to Gain (in a good way!)

So its nearly been two years since I posted here. There is many things I could blame for that, but the fact was I had given up again, cause things got hard, and all the many setbacks, but thankfully am back, and picking up the pieces. Picking up the pieces has lead me to get a bit of a life. Well that and a lucky break. My husband, I believe, cheated on the woman he was dating, and had living with us, so they broke up, and in time she moved out. This lead to me getting to take care for my son again. Getting him up and dressed, then picked up by the school bus. When school was over I got to get him off the bus. I then went a step further and started making dinner once or twice a week, till it turned into every night. Due to my husband’s bad money managing skills and a crappy landlord we also moved. We now live in a unfinished basement that is always cold! But! Everything is level and now am able to take care of my son, cook, do dishes, and do laundry! Such improvement from always hiding in my room all the time.

The other big change, that is still in the works is the divorce. Its been a long time coming! But the court date for it is tomorrow, 01/16/2015. Am super nervous! I don’t have a lawyer fr this cause I have no money to afford one, and I tried to find one that would do pro-bono, but because I live with him his income counts for my own, even though he does not even always stay here. So the best deal I was able to cut with him, was alimony $160 a mouth, (even though he now makes $2400) and joint custody of our son with switching turns of holidays and birthdays. He also promised to pay all back medical bills that have stacked up, that he, in the past, just refused to pay. I really need to get that in writing. Also should get in writing he promised to get me a new laptop (since this one is on its last legs) and a new TV (since he through away mine in the move, because it was not flat screen). The other weird thing about this divorce, is I find myself feeling sad about it at times. NO way in hell do I want to stay with this guy, even if he is working on bettering himself to be a decent human being, but I guess I just always thought when you got married its for life and you will forever be with that person, and if you work at it, you will have the prefect family. He has so many people in his family too, I love that, and his grandmother is so sweet! I can’t help but adore her. I was never much a part of his family, if at all, but it is the kind of thing I wish I had. Never the less I need to just let it go. Large mass amount of people in my life means nothing if there is no connection. I need just a few people in my life that really matter, and truly care about me.

Am also working to get up to date with all my medical needs since I have health insurance again. In December I messed up my knee, and I swear there is a gap in there now, its rather painful, but I have learned to deal with it, like all the other pain in my life. My primary doctor, that I got to see yesterday, had an x-ray done of it so am waiting to hear back from them. Toss of other appointments I need make, and have already made but the one appointment I really want to make I seem to be at a roadblock with. I really wanted to do a Weight Loss Program but all the ones I have tried thus far don’t take HealthCare USA. It’s very frustrating and only adding stress on me, and of curse guess what I do when I get over stressed? Binge eat! Did that today with a half bag of pretzel rods. I was doing really good for some time but it all fall apart. I was doing cereal for breakfast, soup for lunch, yogurt for snack (now and then did not have it every day) and then a decent portion of dinner, (whatever it was). The husband also keeps tempting me with stuff, like fast food, these pork things wrapped in bacon, tons of trigger food. Erg! I wonder if he knows he is messing me up on losing weight when he gives me things? Anyways since watching what I eat I have gone from 575lbs to 537lbs. If I can just get under 500lbs I promised to reward myself with a haircut and style, maybe even coloring. I wonder what would be a good color to get?

Anyways that is my life in a nutshell for now. In spare time, (so I do use it snacking because am bored), am going to try to make a YouTube Channel, for Vlogging. It could be fun,… maybe? When I get it up, and going I’ll link this site with it. Hopefully I don’t make a fool of myself or get scary stalkers LOL.

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Round 1: Me Vs KFC

Mother’s Day weekend was not soo bad in some ways I guess. Even though I was not allowed to watch my own child the lady who was around was (when she was around) at lest nice and not mean to me yet I still stayed out of her way. Best to not tempt fate as they say.

Got a lot of cleaning done even did my own laundry something I have not done in over 8 years! Well kinda… the dryer seems to be extra ghetto and while I got the stick to wedge back to the lid and wall I could not get the darn that to go. So waiting for my husband to do it for me. Not sure when he will get around to it. If I had hangers I would just air dry my darn stuff. It’s so frustrating coming so close to fully doing something all by yourself only to be stopped at the very end of it and no matter how hard you try you can’t finish it on your own.

With no one in the house I did take a little down time for me and for the first time ever was comfortable enough to just zone out downstairs on the floor and finish my book, “Ruby’s Dairy” Gosh she is so epic. It was cause of her I started to think maybe I could make changes in my life. Just one lonely night in my room I had run out of things to watch and started surfing around Netflix and that was when I saw her series. It just right out at me due to her name, “Ruby” that was my grandmother’s name. At times when I was growing up she was more a mother to my then her daughter. My grandmother raised me from when I was first born with my mom then off and on all the way to when I was a teen. She was just such a huge part of my life and anyone who met her just loved her. Oh and yes she was a southern lady.  She was born in New Mexico and moved all over the states due to her father was a ranch hand. The stories she had to tell about her life I would listen for hours on end and still hold dear to my heart. I miss her so much! Anyways with name I gave the show a try and loved it from the first moment. Still have not got to see the last season of her going to Australia though and I want to so bad! Shame they canned such a great show too. Wish they would bring it back.

When my husband and his girlfriend came back they brought KFC back for dinner which was the only choice if I didn’t want another fight on my hands. (Yes I have told my husband I want to eat healthy and he does get me some things but when he is trying to be nice to me he gets me stuff like KFC.) Me and KFC have a history. See the normal dinner for a family bucket meal… oh yeah I could eat one of those all by myself and the sides, a milkshake and a piece of pie or two for desert. I would feel like utter crap afterwards from being so over stuffed but while it was going down was one of the best feelings in the world. So once it was all over with all I could think about was I can’t wait for next week take out when I can get the same thing and do it all over again and normally I would! God help me but love that KFC fried chicken skin! Yup I know it’s the worst thing to have.

Another bad thing this weekend was earlier on in the weekend I discovered (by sneaking onto my husband’s FB account and looking at back logs of messages to his girlfriend) that they have been taking my son to a therapist or so it seems, someone to talk to and that she is sure am crazy! That I can’t be reasoned with because am crazy. As well that my husband plans to once he gets the house bills caught up get a divorce and pay a lawyer. Now am sure people think it would be good to get a divorce from him however if that happens where do I go? I have no family nor friends to take me in and shelters can accommodate a person of my size and anxiety. Not to mention I would be fully with no health insurance or money. I can’t work (though would like to find a part time job to see if I could handle it) and I have no way of taking care of myself outside from here. I really don’t know what am going to do. I’m very scared about this.

I can still hear them downstairs don’t know if they are going to work today. If they don’t guess I’ll just have to watch what I say when am on the phone when I make calls to try and help myself. Maybe the AWARE social worker will know what to do like have a plan for me when my husband tries to do that too me out of the blue. Also really want to get involved with a church, surly other church members watch out for their own, and maybe I could make a family with them. After all you go to church not just to worship but to find love by giving and receiving it. Family is not always by blood or marriage, and sometimes if you’re the lucky one people around you that you care about and they care about you just turn into your family. I really want that. Maybe if I pray hard enough God will show me which of his houses will be right for me and help make my dreams come true.

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In Front of the Refrigerator

Yeah ok the title I know makes you at once think something bad happened or oh no she went off the deep end. Well you’re more or less …well you are right. I failed! It’s going to happen… am not a saint am not some remodel pointing arrows at myself telling the world to act like me. I am human with issues and emotions that have yet to reach the needed will power within myself to stop punishing myself. I am a glutton and not just for food but for punishment its self it seems.

No am not whining and playing the victim card am saying I messed up and … no it’s not ok but it’s not, not ok either. It just is, and I am ok with that … now. It took me a few hours of freaking out and even denial but am more or less chilled out about it. Life changes take time to get use to and except. How one eats is not different.

Now that I have more or else assured you and sorta myself I’ll explain what drove me into the refrigerator’s chilly embrace. You see my husband is going away this weekend with his girlfriend. I am not really sure why or where he is going but he is going. Whatever! The thing that has my feathers so ruffled is that his girlfriend’s friend is going to be staying here with her daughter watching my son. HELLO! Did I turn invisible when I was not paying attention?! I yelled, I bitched, I went step by step how I could watch my son by myself and I even cried and pleaded, however my husband kept saying he would just feel more comfortable with someone else here. Nothing I say makes a difference.  This is the same man that claims when I move out our son can stay with me for weekends, holidays and spring/summer breaks. Now call my crazy (like he often does) but one of these things is not matching up with the other.

Oh and side note! The chick that is suppose to be staying is the one from a few months back who spent the night here when my husband’s girlfriend was out of town. Let me further point out they stayed together in the same room. Even now they sneak into other rooms, whisper and talk all the time. My husband only becomes friends with a female for two reasons. One to sleep with her and two for money and he often uses number one to do that.

Pissed, sad, furious is a damn understatement to how I have felt these past two days since I have found out about the weekend. So yes this morning I sat in front of the refrigerator like I did yesterday morning and pigged out eating things I should not and more then what one should, then brought food back to my bedroom and went on doing so, just binging like crazy. Depending on how the talk with my husband goes tonight I don’t even know if I’ll have enough self control to not do it tomorrow.

I have been racking my mind on how to get my husband to change his mind; I mean what if this leads to him having two girlfriends living here again. Plus the fact this is his first step to not letting me have my son at all once I do get away from this hell hole! Yet the only things I can think of are to make threats to him. I think that will only piss him of though. Oh and the only self control tip for myself so far for to not to binge come tomorrow morning is to go all Kathy Bates “Misery” on myself. NOT HELPFUL!

Am screaming to the top of my lungs at the world and it won’t turn around and look at me and even if it does I won’t know what to say. The only comfort I can find is in my own bloating and over stuffed misery. The only friendship that has reached out to help shield me from my feelings when am alone is the one trying to put a knife in my back and kill me at an early age. I don’t want this life. I have to do something …

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I Have Friends Far and Wide

Many times I have cried and wrote but only of late where these tears due to joy and happiness as they are now. I guess it’s only fair. With it being stated my life story has made others cry and those people have gathered and made me cry but in the most, best possible way!

Support in such ways I could not dream of. Like the sweet words of a song that Sheila (one of the amazing people from the weight loss forum) posted. And of course when Phyllis posted the name and who it’s by I just had to look up Simon & Garfunkel’s “Bridge Over Troubled Waters”. Such a lovely song I am even listening to it again while I write this blog now.

After my first post on the weight loss forum and the replies I had gotten as I said I felt attacked. I felt like giving up and not posting anymore there. That is what I have done the past 8 or so years. Give up. Someone says am lying or challenges me, a little switch in my head goes off and I cower backing away. You might chop that up due to the emotional abuse I have been under or me just not being a very strong person, either way that is what has been my norm, till that post. After getting all upset about it something in me said just one more time. I’ll give one more post then a little after that something in me made me post my first picture of myself online. (Which was a HUGE challenge not just because it was scary for people to see my ugliness but trying to take a picture of myself is hard with a cell phone then figure out how to email it myself so I could put it online. There has to be an easier way to do that and I just know sometime after this blog has been posted someone is gunna chuckle at me and say Nadine it’s so much easier then the way you did it and list off all these many ways. Giggle all you guys want. I don’t get out much or have the savvy handle on many gismos but one day I will gosh darn it!) Anyways with those two added pushes I gave back to the forum my cry to the roof tops of “This is my life!” was heard. Now look at all the friends I have because I didn’t give up! I still don’t know why I didn’t give up but am glad I didn’t.

Oh and I made another new friend yesterday too! My husband at 9:30 AM told me he could not take me to …you know what let me show you what he emailed me… yes emailed. He does not like to talk to me in person. (Keep in mind I told him on Monday I had a meeting Saturday and kept asking do you need me to change it.)

“I will let you know the date to reschedule for later, but I have to go in around noon.”

When I talked to him before he said if I ask you to change it you will have to make it two weeks later. It seems him and his girlfriend is leaving for this coming weekend. Then who knows what would come up because something always does come up. Am not allowed to be taken out on week days anymore because it does not suit him so all I have are the weekends, and not really those. Never the less after pushing and agreeing to wait hours before my meeting, and hours after I got the needed ride.  I was dropped off at about 11:30 AM, my appointment was at 2PM but after so long of sitting there I called rather than buzzed at the door and asked if I could bump up my meeting to 1AM as it was only a few minutes till then and when she said yes I admitted I was outside. That was when Donna went at once to open the door for me. I stayed there for two hours talking to her and it was the best time I have had since seeing my son’s winter play. I felt so normal. Like I was really just sitting around with a girlfriend talking, crying and laughing. Everything was poured out. All of the crap I have been through and still am dealing with to my hopes and secret dreams. I really didn’t think I was going to go blabbering about all of that but Donna was so easy to talk to and such a kind sweet person. I kept making her laugh and she would say am her favorite person right now as well as other kind things. I don’t think that is part of her job and if it is well she does not get paid enough. However am going to believe I really have made a friend with her. Sadly then at 3pm the office closed and it was all over. Sitting back outside it was like my bubble had burst and I was back in the old world. For over 3 hours I sat there then waiting for my husband to come pick me up which he did a little after 6PM. I was so worn out I did little to nothing after I got home and just went to bed.

I want more of what I had yesterday with Donna. I want more of what I get to see of people on the forums. Maybe am being greedy but you get a taste for something, and then you just keep craving it. That is what this is like for me. None of these people seem like they would hurt or backstab me. I really wanted people I could count on and I have that now. And another thing I am noticing is I want to be like them. I want to be someone that people can count on too. I want to be a good friend, not just have good friends.

A secret dream I have is meeting friends out for lunch, being all skinny mini saying sorry I ran late had to drop my son off with his play date. That is a normal life to me. Burning dinner because you’re gabbing on the phone and lose track of time. Going out to a movie (which I have not done in 8 years) or going mini golfing or just at the park watching your kids play together with your best friend’s kids. Those little moments in your life you don’t pay much mind to think about them. Do me a favor today whatever friend you’re with or call one just let them known how much they mean to you and how you would not be the same without them. Trust me without friends you could not be as happy as you are now.

Thank you to all who are my friend. No matter how far away you are you still reach my heart!

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I Don’t Live in Chicago!

So the other night I had to go into the ER. No worries just an anxiety attack and stress. Also I had to do the whole visit by myself as my husband just dropped me off and left. He said he would pick me up after he came back to work and finished that day’s shift at 4pm. He had dropped me off at 10pm. You do the math on how long he wanted me to sit around and wait.

He is always like that now. If by the rare chance I get to go shopping he drops me off and goes off doing whatever. Like going to his karate class or out to eat with his girlfriend and friends, and I have to wait till he is done and feels like coming back for me. This can be anywhere from an hour to four hours. So I sit there watching people come into the store and then those same people leaving the store.

Having to sit there waiting for hours is so hard. All those people looking at you, not only because of your size, but because you have been there so long. It’s very nerve racking to say the least. I try to stay in the store for as long as I can. It’s always a hassle however trying to get a mobile cart (can’t walk that long remember) plus you got to make sure it’s charged enough. If it’s not fully charged and it starts to warn you it’s going to die it starts beeping and oh joy another thing to draw people’s attention to me. The worst is when it dies in the middle of the store and you have to wait for a store worker to pass by and help get another cart to you.

Anyways so after am discharged from the hospital they have me talk to the social worker. Just my luck she is a tiny heavily pregnant woman who looked worn out and was having to argue with other people before me. I had to explain she could not call my husband as he would be sleeping at this time and would be upset with me then had to explain how he didn’t leave me money for a cab because am not allowed to have any control over the finances. She gave me a cab voucher and seemed upset with me.

I’m sensitive to looks or tones of one’s voice. Plus I was still upset about before being placed in one of the ER rooms. I was waiting in the waiting room and had just called my psychiatrist. She is such a nice woman. I feel bad I woke her up but I was just so scared being there by myself and not knowing at the time what was wrong with me. Well while she was calming me down and trying to answer my questions they wheeled my back and set me in the hall as they were not done cleaning my room. They finished and forgot about me. So I was left sitting there and could not help but overhear the nurses chat. One of them said, “You ever think about all with all the people that come in here they would clue in most of them didn’t need to be here? I mean one of them actually came in because of a headache. How hard is it to take come aspirin?” I could not help it I started crying and wishing I had never left my room. They still didn’t notice me and all the people that past me seemed to not give me a second glance. Guess the key to not getting people to notice you in a hospital is to cry.

That cab ride home though had to be the worst of the night. The Amazing Race worst cab rides had nothing on this one! I swear at one point I saw we were headed to Chicago. I guess he saw my face cause he asked, “You live this way?” “NO! I live in St Louis!” Then he announces all the time he was driving he had been going the wrong way. Yet he was using GPS with my address I gave him! Still after that he drives around no clue where he is going but its freaking me out to no end all these back roads and streets that look like they belong in some horror flick. The ride finally ended after an hour and a half! It only takes 10-15mins from and back from the hospital. The cost was like $89 bucks! I think he did it to rack up the cab fare. Well at least I was not paying for it.

After I got home even though I had the keys I went in the back and waited till they woke up since they sleep in the living room and if me coming in would have not woken up the dog barking at anyone coming in would have. So I saved myself from that only to get catch hell for wanting to stay downstairs when I did get in. No matter where downstairs I offered to move to my husband’s girlfriend announced I would be in the way so I could either sit on the front porch or go to my room. I really tried to stand up for myself but in the end it ended the same as it always does, me crying in my bedroom.

When I finally get to move out and I lose enough weight and am not so high strung with my anxiety I think I would like to learn how to drive since I never have. In fact I’ll even put that on my goals list. It would be helpful however if I could remember where things are, even to my own home. Maybe cab rides would so long if I could. 

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Gun Fights & Car Chases Next?

So after posting that huge info post on myself on that weight loss forum as well as my picture (same one I used as the one “About Me”) people seemed to clue in am not a made up story.

I have to admit I was really upset about people thinking I was lying. I even binged and again today to the point of feeling sick. It still bugs me I mean why would anyone in the first place make up a story of the sorts to start with? I guess though what is really getting to me is all this time I have kept saying “My life is not that bad. I’m sure a lot of people have it way worse than I do and I should just be grateful for this life. I have a roof over my head, I clearly have food, I have an amazing son, even have the internet to keep me entertained.” Yet here people were saying my life is beyond too sad for a Lifetime movie, and to horrific to be true.

Taking all of that in I really thought about my life today, from as a kid, teen, young adult, and to now. I really have been through a lot. I don’t think I have always been the hero or main star of my life but maybe it could change. I need some other role then the victim to play. I just hope that desire does not lead my life to real gun fights and car chases.

With all of this movie talk it made me think of really being on TV. Not to get famous or anything. I would hate to be famous, people just watch you too close and at my size they already do. Already when I do go out for whatever reason my social anxiety has me on high alert any time someone just looks at me. Always worrying what are they thinking about me, are they going to make a joke, are they going to be disgusted by me? I worry like crazy what other people think and it’s not as simple for me to not care what others think. Being told how awful I am, being dumped by the father of my child because I look so unappealing has made a bloody hole in my heart that still has yet to heal. I’m just always waiting for the next insult to come from anyone. This is why even posting on a forum or just doing this blog is so hard for me. I don’t want to be a pity case and I don’t want to be made fun of.

Still there is so many weight loss shows out there and trust me I have been watching and learning! Yet the tips don’t compare to the support I see trainers giving the people. I noticed that fact and how I wanted to eat then. I think one of my main triggers to feeling the need to eat is feeling lonely and unsupported.

Anyways I found myself signing up to a site that lists casting calls for reality TV. If I can go into a store and ignore mostly everyone maybe I could do that with a camera person too. I mean the thing that scares me is people watching. They would not be doing that till it aired and by then I would be smaller! Not putting too much faith in any show would want me as I can hardly even walk but hey no harm in trying I guess.

The point to all this is even though am scared I won’t stop trying. If I fail I will get back up and try again. So! Bring on the paintball guns and bumper cars! I’m ready for my close up! It’s my turn in my life to have my star hero moment!

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